My Wife is the First Person I Will Have Sex With- A Reflection on Love, Relationships, and Purity
Yes...I haven't had sex yet, and I will get to experience it first hand with my soon to be wife (less than 40 days), who also hasn't had sex yet. Truthfully, I feel nervous as I feel excited! Trust me, I am definitely not immune from temptation either!
I really haven't made it a priority to detail or showcase my/our abstinence journey in great length. I believe this journey to be something ultimately shared in intimacy with my future wife, and not the world.
Both Tierra and I made commitments at a young age to "save ourselves" for the person we would marry. We both had similar convictions and wanted to please God in this manner. Yet if I am honest, at times I don't really like to share this journey in detail. Sometimes in Christian circles, couples who make a commitment to abstinence are usually put on a pedestal and viewed as novel, and in non-Christian circles you are viewed as stuck-up and unrealistic. However, I ultimately think it is imperative to keep abstinence in an accurate perspective.
Purity vs. Virginity. Is there a difference?
Abstinence is not a badge of honor, it is a showcase of grace, God's grace. Waiting to have sex until you say "I do" isn't a measuring stick against other people, and it should not be treated as such. Like many people, my first introduction to sex was limited and perverse by way of pornography. It tainted my view of what sex was and what it is. I am far from being "pure." Not having sex, abstinence, and virginity are fruits of purity, but those in of itself does not equate or define purity.
Biblically, sexual immorality is anything sexual that lies outside of the context of marriage. This includes pornography, lusting, touching, etc. Basically, if it is not with your spouse, it is out of bounds (1 Corinthians 7:2-4).
Jesus says in Matthew 5:27-28, "You have heard the commandment that says, "You must not commit adultery. But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Sheesh Jesus! So in a nutshell, every brotha in the world (certainly including me) has committed adultery according to Jesus. Jesus's words aren't meant to shame us, but to make a point. The point is that our hearts, intentions, and thoughts must equally and actively be in check. Jesus may seem radical, but He is making a point to show us how our hearts can be just as deceitful as our actions. In other words, purity is not what we do with our hands or bodies, but what we do with our hearts and thoughts.
I wrote in a poem once,
"It doesn’t matter if we are virgins technically,
when we have lost our virginity many of times mentally,
it doesn’t just take intercourse to deem us as active sexually."
I cannot brag or "put trust" in my virginity, because I have still missed the mark in regards to purity.
The Myth that Abstinence Makes Your Relationship Bullet Proof
Let me first say this. I wholeheartedly believe that because Tierra and I have never had sex, it has benefitted our relationship in many ways. However, our abstinence has not allowed us to be immune to experiencing challenges.
There seems to be a misconception and notion that if you take nice selfies, remain abstinent until marriage, and do some type of ministry together- your relationship will be automatically bullet proof. "Issa" Lie.
It still will require work, humility, selflessness, and patience.
You can love God and still be clueless in how to operate in a relationship. Tierra has been a mirror to a lot of my own proclivities, selfishness, and brokenness. I have been a mirror to a lot of her own proclivities, selfishness, and brokenness. I have experienced extreme vulnerability with her, that no one in my life has witnessed. She has experienced extreme vulnerability with me, that no one in her life has witnessed.
Please don't think that Tierra and I don't enjoy each other. WE DO! I love her more and more each day; however, it is necessary to keep things in the proper perspective. We are both abstinent, but still are not experts on effective communication. We are both abstinent, but still can be selfish at times. We are both abstinent, but still have triggers from past wounds. We still have to work and grow.
The bottom line is this:
1). Virginity is a fruit or by product of God's standard for purity.
2). You can be a virgin, and not possess purity.
3). Virginity is a physical reality, and purity is a daily practice.
4). And the point I truly want to emphasize- virginity does not, and will not make you an automatic good spouse.
At the end of the day, virgin or far from it, we are all in need of God's grace. The virgin needs restoration as much as the non-virgin. God has allowed our abstinence journey to bless others, and for that I am thankful. Yet, the two things I want people to understand and take away is this: yes, abstinence is possible (by God's grace), and it also must be kept in the proper perspective.
My wife will be the first person I will have sex with, and Lord willing we have the rest of our lives to go!